My first 4-line Poetry Post, so I got carried away with 4 poems- I'll keep my posts shorter in the future and the poems too probably..
#1 Casual Greetings:
I have bad habits
Say things better
Left unsaid.
“Hello.”…“I’m doing alright, you know- some people died, but I’m okay.”
#2 "To the One I love:"
I always loved you,
I just hate what you have become.
Love it or leave it, and so I choose to
Stick around, or at least keep coming back.
#3 On hesitating...
I never told her I wanted to love her.
Maybe she already knew.
That might be why she asked
If I wanted her to love me.
#4 Women with art majors and chips on their shoulders, who are pissed off at me right now:
Four lines isn't enough to make up for stupid things said,
Mistakes made, being half-blooded,
2-3 years age difference, or luck of the draw as to when we were born.
And never losing the sibling rivalry or forgiving perceived insults.
-The Real Me, Mad Poet and all.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Yeah, I'd just stop doing what I do, but I might have to kill myself...
I've been going about this blog thing all wrong. I don't really have an audience, but what's the point if I don't write like I DO have one?
Oh well.
Anyway, since someone MIGHT read this... (This means you.)
I'm frustrated, duh.
I'm going to fix my life, fat chance, right?
But I do have many things I can and will improve. Why sit here griping about shit when I can just do it and get it done with?
Does anyone know of a way- short of medication- that would make it really easy for me to just keep my mouth shut and fingers tied and not talk to anyone for about a month that doesn't need to be talked to by me?
I mean, shit...I just won't shut up.
Seriously, how many times have you thought, "Damn Drew, shut up already."
Whether or not I was saying interesting or important things...which I rarely do.
Now, instead of making this a pity-party and a hate-on-myself blog, I'd like to post positive projects I want to be working on in the next few weeks.
I'll be sending in Poetry, and possibly art though such is unlikely, submissions for Matchbook.
I will follow that up by (eventually?) sending the same small-scale publisher guy a manuscript of my work- the original idea was a culmination of my better and most important work over a fairly large expanse of time. (this wouldn't be the case if I had been more prolific in recent years.)
I'm really such a mess right now as what I want to do and what I want to do for projects. Apparently I never learned to just focus on one thing and do that- just make it simple, don't over-complicate or try to over-do it. I always had to pull on so many thoughts about one thing or not forget the past.
Maybe I should just let old works die, be destroyed, forgotten. But where in self-examination does one begin to forget who they were?
I can live without being 18 or younger again, I can give up all the crap I wrote with angst and slight impersonation of Henley. That I wrote without form or function- just words and phrases that may or may not have been so very poetic. A bit harsh, but accurate and infuriating in retrospect. It isn't that I can't write- I have good ideas...I just can't pull them together in a constrained format with regularity.
I was my highschool's graduating senior class poet, and no one at my graduation ceremony heard that. They might have read it, but how the hell do I know that they remember that? Is it even a worthwhile mention?
What is it worth?
I no longer have Noone's as my inspiring home and family. I no longer am in the habit of writing down all my anxieties and observations in poetic form.
I honestly can only think of one person I was with that might have come close to appreciating artistic vision, and then I realize that I never really understood artistic discipline.
I'm a C student when it comes to art.
Even Photography.
I should sell my cameras, give up even entertaining the idea of the trade based on a C+ in the course. Yeah I did better in Photojournalism...but do I have what it takes to go into Photoethography and Visual Journalism?
Why don't I ask for assistance and help from people who have more experience with what I do? Why can't I apply the processes and techniques appropriately and do every thing I need to do to make the grades, do the work expected, and succeed?
Do I really have outset and completion anxiety? (no one ever said I did, though I think my psychiatrists, current and former, may still be hung up on the idea of me just being ADHD or even being Bi-polar to some degree rather than just having a bad interaction with Strattera.)
Why don't I know how to just admit my feelings and thoughts to people without scaring them off or pissing them off or waiting so long to do anything that I miss any window to be open and honest and forward with people.Companionship counts for a lot.
I miss my mother, I honestly thought recently that she was the only thing keeping me together- disciplined, under control. No one else kept me in line right, not Dad or friends or instructors. I would never tell instructors, employers or some of my friends or even family about problems I had- because I had made so many excuses that I didn't feel anything would warrant exceptions.
I never admitted having a disability, I probably STILL won't admit it in the actual sense- but would do so as necessary to get extra time on the GRE or what have you.
I went through 5 years of college without ever once asking for accommodations. I honestly didn't need them, but I should have taken them, I obviously didn't rise to the challenge of being in a University and having the expectations and regulated schedule that I was given.
Really, is it that I have trust issues, that I can't commit, or that people just don't want to put up with me? Or is it because I push them away, and honestly am not worthy of love, affection, or time and effort necessary to be considered a partner or worth while?
I'll be lucky if I can meet my own expectations, to find myself to be more disciplined, more in control of my stress...alone or not.
I have loved, and I have lost, and maybe perhaps that doesn't need to be a concern for me anymore.
I have much more on my plate than past mistakes.
Really, maybe I just need a steady breakfast of will.strengthening confidence.
Oh well.
Anyway, since someone MIGHT read this... (This means you.)
I'm frustrated, duh.
I'm going to fix my life, fat chance, right?
But I do have many things I can and will improve. Why sit here griping about shit when I can just do it and get it done with?
Does anyone know of a way- short of medication- that would make it really easy for me to just keep my mouth shut and fingers tied and not talk to anyone for about a month that doesn't need to be talked to by me?
I mean, shit...I just won't shut up.
Seriously, how many times have you thought, "Damn Drew, shut up already."
Whether or not I was saying interesting or important things...which I rarely do.
Now, instead of making this a pity-party and a hate-on-myself blog, I'd like to post positive projects I want to be working on in the next few weeks.
I'll be sending in Poetry, and possibly art though such is unlikely, submissions for Matchbook.
I will follow that up by (eventually?) sending the same small-scale publisher guy a manuscript of my work- the original idea was a culmination of my better and most important work over a fairly large expanse of time. (this wouldn't be the case if I had been more prolific in recent years.)
I'm really such a mess right now as what I want to do and what I want to do for projects. Apparently I never learned to just focus on one thing and do that- just make it simple, don't over-complicate or try to over-do it. I always had to pull on so many thoughts about one thing or not forget the past.
Maybe I should just let old works die, be destroyed, forgotten. But where in self-examination does one begin to forget who they were?
I can live without being 18 or younger again, I can give up all the crap I wrote with angst and slight impersonation of Henley. That I wrote without form or function- just words and phrases that may or may not have been so very poetic. A bit harsh, but accurate and infuriating in retrospect. It isn't that I can't write- I have good ideas...I just can't pull them together in a constrained format with regularity.
I was my highschool's graduating senior class poet, and no one at my graduation ceremony heard that. They might have read it, but how the hell do I know that they remember that? Is it even a worthwhile mention?
What is it worth?
I no longer have Noone's as my inspiring home and family. I no longer am in the habit of writing down all my anxieties and observations in poetic form.
I honestly can only think of one person I was with that might have come close to appreciating artistic vision, and then I realize that I never really understood artistic discipline.
I'm a C student when it comes to art.
Even Photography.
I should sell my cameras, give up even entertaining the idea of the trade based on a C+ in the course. Yeah I did better in Photojournalism...but do I have what it takes to go into Photoethography and Visual Journalism?
Why don't I ask for assistance and help from people who have more experience with what I do? Why can't I apply the processes and techniques appropriately and do every thing I need to do to make the grades, do the work expected, and succeed?
Do I really have outset and completion anxiety? (no one ever said I did, though I think my psychiatrists, current and former, may still be hung up on the idea of me just being ADHD or even being Bi-polar to some degree rather than just having a bad interaction with Strattera.)
Why don't I know how to just admit my feelings and thoughts to people without scaring them off or pissing them off or waiting so long to do anything that I miss any window to be open and honest and forward with people.Companionship counts for a lot.
I miss my mother, I honestly thought recently that she was the only thing keeping me together- disciplined, under control. No one else kept me in line right, not Dad or friends or instructors. I would never tell instructors, employers or some of my friends or even family about problems I had- because I had made so many excuses that I didn't feel anything would warrant exceptions.
I never admitted having a disability, I probably STILL won't admit it in the actual sense- but would do so as necessary to get extra time on the GRE or what have you.
I went through 5 years of college without ever once asking for accommodations. I honestly didn't need them, but I should have taken them, I obviously didn't rise to the challenge of being in a University and having the expectations and regulated schedule that I was given.
Really, is it that I have trust issues, that I can't commit, or that people just don't want to put up with me? Or is it because I push them away, and honestly am not worthy of love, affection, or time and effort necessary to be considered a partner or worth while?
I'll be lucky if I can meet my own expectations, to find myself to be more disciplined, more in control of my stress...alone or not.
I have loved, and I have lost, and maybe perhaps that doesn't need to be a concern for me anymore.
I have much more on my plate than past mistakes.
Really, maybe I just need a steady breakfast of will.strengthening confidence.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Neo-Luddite, apparently I need a better self-label, or I could just write that blue grass song I sang on my way to write my paper on a computor.
I'm bout to jump into last-minute overdrive. I have 8 hours to complete, for Brown: 1. A Research Paper (I have 7 pages, but it is to be revised severely under American Antiquity standards and new arguement structures, while reviewing scantily cited sources that were read over in a hurry.)
2. My "minimum" 4 question 12 page essay exam on Southeaster Archaeology.
3. Complete 3 2 page reviews on sections/articles, that I haven't finished reading, in a book heavier than a full-sized fat ass American newborn.
I'll do a full update later, I'm going to opt out of a continued rant mode to do this.
I'll be in Ten Hoor by 11 out of there by noon for Hoole which I have to be out of by 2 to finish my exam and print everything out by 4(:30) to hand in somewhere in the same building as Hoole, but after I dash across the street to Gordon-Palmer with my fingers crossed for printer access.
Here's to Google, for ruining everything while saving our buts.
I prefer analog and digital archiving options, thank you very much.
Yes, I like my cake and eating it too. I don't just want to look up pictures of Angelfood on Google Images. I want recipes in my kitchen and a bun in the oven for my womenfolk...sort of. (seriously bake me a cake, I don't know how. Even though I don't like eating cake very much.)
Watch The End of Suburbia, and start saving up resources, I've got a mental list going of people to snatch up for a brain-trust and commune project...so when things go to shit, we can sit in one place (about a 500 mile radius, right?), grow horticulture produce and try not to die. I think I should recruit a sniper or two...just in case.
2. My "minimum" 4 question 12 page essay exam on Southeaster Archaeology.
3. Complete 3 2 page reviews on sections/articles, that I haven't finished reading, in a book heavier than a full-sized fat ass American newborn.
I'll do a full update later, I'm going to opt out of a continued rant mode to do this.
I'll be in Ten Hoor by 11 out of there by noon for Hoole which I have to be out of by 2 to finish my exam and print everything out by 4(:30) to hand in somewhere in the same building as Hoole, but after I dash across the street to Gordon-Palmer with my fingers crossed for printer access.
Here's to Google, for ruining everything while saving our buts.
I prefer analog and digital archiving options, thank you very much.
Yes, I like my cake and eating it too. I don't just want to look up pictures of Angelfood on Google Images. I want recipes in my kitchen and a bun in the oven for my womenfolk...sort of. (seriously bake me a cake, I don't know how. Even though I don't like eating cake very much.)
Watch The End of Suburbia, and start saving up resources, I've got a mental list going of people to snatch up for a brain-trust and commune project...so when things go to shit, we can sit in one place (about a 500 mile radius, right?), grow horticulture produce and try not to die. I think I should recruit a sniper or two...just in case.
Monday, April 02, 2007
"My...Haven't we changed?"
And oh so trusting are we...
Mis communications
(And Disconnections).
Obsessions.
Mistakes.
Triumphs.
Going outs.
Giving ups.
Moving ons.
Moving outs.
Graduating problems.
Graduating solutions.
Graduating cycles.
And falling outs.
And I'll remember as much as I will, and want to.
And now, I choose to not even watch as cars go by on traffic cameras, listening to melodramatic melodies played over scenes and weather for a time, when no one pays attention to in this town, anyway.
An end to the quietude of early, early, earliest of morning.
Goodnight my friends.
Goodbye, farewell.
I'll see you soon.
No doubt, Hello again...
And how are you?
How have you been?
I'll have you know, that you have, at times no doubt, inspired me over the years.
And some of you haven't known me longer than the barest qualification of years.
I'd hope to extend that time frame of association.
If I've been through anything with you.
I'd probably say we went through life. That is a shared experience of the most general sense. Some of us went through death as well, certainly...a part of life.
And I've appreciated the strengths and weaknesses of all of you.
And this didn't start as being about you.
Did it?
Some of us refuse to lie.
I refuse to forget. I choose to remember.
I used to "Can't not know." Now, I'm more accepting of my ignorance, but far less than complacent about it.
And I've never directly, or intentionally, attacked any one of you.
Never meant to do harm.
Never meant to disrespect or wound.
But these things happen.
This is the cost of doing business.
This is my social investment strategy.
We give (the royal "we" primarily), and we get, a little returned here and there.
But for the most part, it can hardly be considered as a profitable endeavor by most.
I won't bother plotting out proofs or flow charts even.
General reciprocity is more of a "Trade agreement" than pure economics.
And I am all about opportunity costs.
That's why I spent time with you. I took the chance, chose the opportunity, and possibly wasted my time for little guarantee of returns.
This is how I've operated, more or less, over the years.
Will this be how I continue to operate?
How have you changed the capital I have given you?
Is one of us running a deficit? Is there an imbalance?
Or just a severing of ties?
I don't expect to be understood, consistently that is.
Do you?
Now, I've wandered down the dark and bright Memory Streets, alleys and drive ways. I don't care to keep all my memories in one place, but we need paths to follow to find them it seems.
Mis communications
(And Disconnections).
Obsessions.
Mistakes.
Triumphs.
Going outs.
Giving ups.
Moving ons.
Moving outs.
Graduating problems.
Graduating solutions.
Graduating cycles.
And falling outs.
And I'll remember as much as I will, and want to.
And now, I choose to not even watch as cars go by on traffic cameras, listening to melodramatic melodies played over scenes and weather for a time, when no one pays attention to in this town, anyway.
An end to the quietude of early, early, earliest of morning.
Goodnight my friends.
Goodbye, farewell.
I'll see you soon.
No doubt, Hello again...
And how are you?
How have you been?
I'll have you know, that you have, at times no doubt, inspired me over the years.
And some of you haven't known me longer than the barest qualification of years.
I'd hope to extend that time frame of association.
If I've been through anything with you.
I'd probably say we went through life. That is a shared experience of the most general sense. Some of us went through death as well, certainly...a part of life.
And I've appreciated the strengths and weaknesses of all of you.
And this didn't start as being about you.
Did it?
Some of us refuse to lie.
I refuse to forget. I choose to remember.
I used to "Can't not know." Now, I'm more accepting of my ignorance, but far less than complacent about it.
And I've never directly, or intentionally, attacked any one of you.
Never meant to do harm.
Never meant to disrespect or wound.
But these things happen.
This is the cost of doing business.
This is my social investment strategy.
We give (the royal "we" primarily), and we get, a little returned here and there.
But for the most part, it can hardly be considered as a profitable endeavor by most.
I won't bother plotting out proofs or flow charts even.
General reciprocity is more of a "Trade agreement" than pure economics.
And I am all about opportunity costs.
That's why I spent time with you. I took the chance, chose the opportunity, and possibly wasted my time for little guarantee of returns.
This is how I've operated, more or less, over the years.
Will this be how I continue to operate?
How have you changed the capital I have given you?
Is one of us running a deficit? Is there an imbalance?
Or just a severing of ties?
I don't expect to be understood, consistently that is.
Do you?
Now, I've wandered down the dark and bright Memory Streets, alleys and drive ways. I don't care to keep all my memories in one place, but we need paths to follow to find them it seems.
Self-portraits for other people are always a bit narcissistic.
My piercings, thanks Rosaland.
I didn't think I'd ever do anything like this, no matter how many times I considered it. (I'd want a tattoo, but I'd like never be satisfied with the composition almost...)
I didn't think I'd ever do anything like this, no matter how many times I considered it. (I'd want a tattoo, but I'd like never be satisfied with the composition almost...)
Most recent digitally available at this time.
Currently, my profile picture, so this seems superfluous, but not for the comparison.
Currently, my profile picture, so this seems superfluous, but not for the comparison.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
A Last Ditch Effort...and things to come.
I.
I don't assume anyone reads this blog with any frequency.
I actually almost abandoned this thing...thrice.
So, I won't be surprised if potentially interested parties don't get the chance/time to read the following. (Which is why I plan to correct that inefficiency.)
I am desperate.
I MUST graduate.
I will do so.
I just need, Zen.
Which is to say, Zen.
(okay maybe I take my interpretation of the concept to minimalistic and overly anglicized conceptual frameworks of an almost non-belief belief system- or have in the past.)
But yes,
"There is no Try, only do."
Might as well quote Yoda...
II. Listing
I have many things on my plate now, so I'm noting things down now that I'll have to address in the near/more distant future- for my interests and the readers.
1. Start an indie/punk/pop/outsider art band...If I had a name now, James would be able to guess it, otherwise, I'd go with an old standby or some amalgamation of the yet unknown.
(hey, success comes from setting and achieving goals, right? You have to set them to achieve them).
2. Get out to the coast to see people there, my friends in/headed to the Bay Area most at all. I'm very open to the idea of inviting someone to go with me to possibly reduce traveling expenses more than even just lodging and food, but the longer the trip the more I'll want to have someone to listen and talk to.
3. Clear up any and all business in Tuscaloosa.
4. Move back to Huntsville/Consider other options
5. Find gainful Employ...again.
6. Figure out a discipline/diet/willed solution to current imbalances in the attentive area. (Curse this diagnoses, it is a smelly albatross.)
7. Find out where the hell I want to go AFTER I potentially leave Alabama, the university as well as the state.
8. Get money to go to school- this is probably PRIORITY over even figuring out where I'm going, if I don't get money from somebody I might not go AT ALL.
9. Get over my emotional binging and purging.
10. Find Waldo. (I needed 1o things, right?)
III. "In the warm California Sun." - I would prefer to try a cooler clime, but have to find new soil, will travel.
Anyway, I was going to make direct invites for the Westward trip idea, and I still might. I assume I'll get to planning it in the upcoming summer break and leave shortly after or later- possibly in the fall/winter at the latest; whenever I am not tied down to some other obligations essentially.
While I wouldn't mind waiting until the old crew is almost entirely into the Bay Area...I wouldn't mind an excuse to head back up to Oregon again. To see Eugene's campus, to visit Portland. To hobnob with meth heads in Medford...Well, not the latter so much.
Essentially, I have a very select list of individuals I am considering...
Or if I could just do some sort of American Idol/Wonka's Golden Ticket routine, I would.
Unfortunately this shit ain't all expenses paid. I have AT BEST a place to stay.
I have AT BEST, money to take myself- because I need SOME funds to move, set up again, later anyway.
IV. Self-doubt is a hard habit to break.
Basically, I have about a year to learn to not be dependent on Dad at all anymore, so he can retire and I can leave the nest finally.
I haven't worked a steady job in more than a year though, I regret this fact, but have my own demons, drug interactions (hello...) and mistakes to blame.
I don't feel like repeating myself in that area. I want to trust me again, I want to trust my mind.
If I never get someone to trust me like I was once trusted again, or even worse I suppose- getting to where I trusted people and special persons the way I once trusted them (this should be easier), I AT LEAST want to get to a point with myself where I can not only trust my judgment, experience, and my intuition, but also my mind and emotions.
It wasn't fun going off the deep end, and the worst part about it was it was all too dream-like/nightmarish. Undoubtably a side-effect both of taking strattera and stopping it- mixed with some poor diet and sleep schedule decisions. (Seriously, candy bars and loading up on carbs contributed to a semi-lucid manic state.)
The brain and the mind is a complex frontier that I am convinced that we have yet to truly understand. Any scientist, psychologist, psychiatrist or philosopher you meet might have their way of rationalizing and dealing with the concept of the mind and the brain, but few people really have a bead on it.
I won't claim any superiority in worldviews or understanding on areas of this topic of which I am ignorant, but I would like to think that I have unique experience both with Hypoglycemia and Mania.
It is easy for me to say, as an anthropologist and an afflicted person, that ADHD is a cultural condition, and perhaps hypoglycemia as well. Hypoglycemia isn't necessarily a REAL answer or a REAL condition, it is certainly a condition however, it is- from my knowledge- best described as a list of potential symptoms covering a range of possibilities.
Simply defined, it is a difficulty originating in the blood that leads to problems concerning a balance of blood-sugar and the ingesting of sugar (especially REFINED sugars I believe) and it sufficient enough as a folk category that I won't debate the ill-effects involved.
Suffice to say, and I still talk about this- perhaps with a poignant frequency now...
I lost consciousness for brief periods while driving- perhaps I blacked out, perhaps I did exactly what I felt like- my mind would attempt to shut down and stay on at the same time.
The so called "Experts" couldn't tell me exactly what happened, and this is very simply understood. They did not experience it. I was hesitant to inform anyone whom was involved in my "care" of the full extent of what ran through my head as people, thoughts, and apparent "hallucinations" flooded my waking mind. (rather than my unconscious mind I suppose.)
This backlash, this boiling over or splashback effect- however you want to think about it...
Almost CERTAINLY had something to do with the withdrawal effects of Strattera...as I had suddenly altered my dossage and then it was stopped all together. I believe I accidentally took double my dose one day and may have otherwise upset my brain chemistry and homeostasis (and liver)
Well. I learned that I couldn't burn the candle at all ends potentially burnable.
Rather, I learned, the hard way, what my system CANNOT sustain. I crashed, I had a "nervous breakdown," I flipped my lid...one could say any number of things official or unofficially and I doubt any of it would more than approach the truth of the experience.
I have talked about it at length and have dwelled upon it too much here.
I refer now to a pressing emotional difficulty almost directly parallel to my pre-birthday wreck of last year.
V. Dying and Risk management.
I consistently am reminded of the idea that...I could have died 3 days before I turned 23. Perhaps not in the wreck I actually was in, and the details on this may be on this blog even, as I wasn't going as fast as I could have been and I certainly managed to snap to attention and reflex action quick enough to avoid a more direct collision. HOWEVER, I have NO idea how things COULD have gone differently. I am NOT sure what happened exactly, and there is no rationalization for the route I took to Huntsville, but it got me there, and I make it out in one piece.
My friend did not make it back for his birthday last year.
And this is again something I have addressed, but I feel this is a more wounding matter.
I am not so concerned about me dying. But I am very concerned about my death.
I accept death as an eventuality, but I will certainly go through stages of grief as people do- though perhaps not in the same manner as everyone.
Last year I lost two friends of similar demeanors and relationships to myself within a period of almost as many short months.
I do not care to repeat this experience. Two friends, children of well-to-do families who either doted on or humored their overly intelligent children.
I was probably closer to John, but I was more intimate with Amy, perhaps a few of people who read this would know.
I can safely say, despite however much I suffered on my own with both in my mind, I suffered most when John died, so I weight that death more heavily.
His death came first, his was most immediate, it was also the closest in comparison to my wreck...he was driving back to his home (well from Montgomery and his parents) to Tuscaloosa, and didn't make it. Easter Sunday, and he barely had lunch.
I don't know what he went through that day and the night before, and I'm sure any details were gone over by those who shared those hours with him. But, I know very well, too well, what happened after news reached us in Tuscaloosa.
I could see it on people's faces, and we confronted it head on. We did what we felt we have to do, and it was...in a word, "emotionally draining," to also cope with how his parents were coping with the loss of their only child.
I probably couldn't count people who I would consider my peers who have died in my lifetime.
I have lost every grandmother I ever knew and every grandfather I did as well. My mother has passed away, and my father and brother are steadily marching towards whatever twisted form Crohn's will eventually turn them into, warping or fusing their spines like my poor cousin who cannot turn her head around.
These are NOT happy thoughts.
And yet I have been, perceivably, happier.
I have been more, accepting. More, active.
I am more aware of my self and perhaps others, which may be good, it is certainly something to do, though being slightly...obsessive about the past is not something I plan on continuing day-to-day.
I care very much about other people's health, even tending to sacrifice my own, so I'll be working on that too. Risk management is more than just going with the flow, dealing with mistakes or even "preventive maintenance" or at least it isn't just about "pre-emptive attacks."
I've been argumentative lately, I'll probably try to listen more and just do what I can.
And I have much work to do, that I CAN do.
Sleeprest in included in that list of things. (And I'll be cutting up the credit card Dad gave me after I graduate quite possibly, though possibly sooner.)
VI. Post-Post Post...
Finalizing with Bjork Songs/Quotes/Lyrics/Commentary, as I've been listening to as much of my old music as I have been reading my old poetry- and don't worry it hasn't all been of MY creation, ha! I almost wish it were so or that some of the poetry weren't even mine.
Homogenic & Post, I guess...I can't find Debut- which might be convenient, these are basically a soundtrack for my outings in the Kia (apparently wearing it out in the process):
"i go through all this - before you wake up
so I can feel happier - to be safe up here with you" -I, like many people I think, interpret this as a hopefully romantic as well as a very bitter or even somewhat disillusioned romantic survivalist song. I don't think it is either overly positive or negative with its connotations, though destructive is certainly part of it. This line, is catchy, true, motivational, and quite close to what I'm coming to (re?)understand Love as being.
I am a Hunter, not a Predator...A Camera Slinger, a friendly, but not always kind, interpreter.
if travel is searching
and home what's been found
i'm not stopping
i'm going hunting
i'm the hunter
i'll bring back the goods
but i don't know when
i thought i could organise freedom
how Scandinavian of me
you sussed it out, didn't you?
you could smell it
so you left me on my own
to complete the mission
now i'm leaving it all behind
i'm going hunting
i'm the hunter
(you just didn't know me!)
Me, almost frozen as far as intimacy goes, 15 and onward:
his wicked sense of humour
suggests exciting sex
his fingers focus on her
touches, he's venus as a boy
he believes in beauty
he's venus as a boy
he's exploring
the taste of her
arousal
so accurate
he sets off
the beauty in her
he's venus as a boy
he believes in beauty
he's venus as a boy
I had to dig this up elsewhere, slightly to my disappointment:
You think you're denying me of something
Well I've got plenty
You're the one who's missing out
But you won't notice
'Til after five years
If you'll live that long
You'll wake up
All loveless
I dare you
To take me on
I dare you
To show me your palms
I'm so bored with cowards
That say they want
Then they can't handle
You can't handle love
You can't handle love
You just can't handle
I dare you
To take me on
I dare you
To show me your palms
What's so scary ?
Not a threat in sight
You just can't handle
You can't handle love
You can't handle love, baby
You can't handle love
It's obvious
You can't handle
I dare you
To take me on
I dare you
To show me your palms
I'm so bored of cowards
That say they want
Then they can't handle
You can't handle love, baby
You can't handle love,
It's obvious
You can't handle
I dare you, I dare you
I dare you, I dare you
That song brings up many issues, past relationships, emotional issues of such, and reiterates the sort of dated emotional referencing it does to me.
Songs, lyrics, and poems are nothing if not Interpretable, Passionate and Personal- and preferably understood on an individual level while being exactly those things. (essentially, you put it out there and people make it their Expressive tool for this or that memory/personplaceorthing)
And now for something more...optimistic? Experience driven? Hopeful? Wise? or just Wishful?
you'll be given love
you'll be taken care of
you'll be given love
you have to trust it
maybe not from the sources
you've poured yours into
maybe not from the directions
you are staring at
twist your head around
it's all around you
all is full of love
all around you
you just ain't receiving
all is full of love
your phone is off the hook
all is full of love
your doors are all shut
all is full of love
Essentially, this is a more concise and interpretable response to my previous post, which seemed to me to be overly bitchy and bitter.
(Not surprisingly, most of these lyrics came from Bjork's Greatest Hits album...probably why I didn't stop at "Possibly Maybe" & "5 years.")
PS: My Final Thought...
I can't turn back time anywhere but in my mind, and even then we are never who we were where we were, even just yesterday.
And I am considering posting the final version of a larger poetic work that I've been editing.
I think it has sensitive subject matter and is...broken up, but long.
I'll only post it here or elsewhere if I get a sufficiently positive response from people who've been reading it.
I unite old with new rather well. I'm proud of it even if it has some shameful commentary in it. Bitterness is not something I carry around all the time, but it shows in some of my poetry. However, I try to keep an accepting voice in my work- and it shows through to me at least.
I don't assume anyone reads this blog with any frequency.
I actually almost abandoned this thing...thrice.
So, I won't be surprised if potentially interested parties don't get the chance/time to read the following. (Which is why I plan to correct that inefficiency.)
I am desperate.
I MUST graduate.
I will do so.
I just need, Zen.
Which is to say, Zen.
(okay maybe I take my interpretation of the concept to minimalistic and overly anglicized conceptual frameworks of an almost non-belief belief system- or have in the past.)
But yes,
"There is no Try, only do."
Might as well quote Yoda...
II. Listing
I have many things on my plate now, so I'm noting things down now that I'll have to address in the near/more distant future- for my interests and the readers.
1. Start an indie/punk/pop/outsider art band...If I had a name now, James would be able to guess it, otherwise, I'd go with an old standby or some amalgamation of the yet unknown.
(hey, success comes from setting and achieving goals, right? You have to set them to achieve them).
2. Get out to the coast to see people there, my friends in/headed to the Bay Area most at all. I'm very open to the idea of inviting someone to go with me to possibly reduce traveling expenses more than even just lodging and food, but the longer the trip the more I'll want to have someone to listen and talk to.
3. Clear up any and all business in Tuscaloosa.
4. Move back to Huntsville/Consider other options
5. Find gainful Employ...again.
6. Figure out a discipline/diet/willed solution to current imbalances in the attentive area. (Curse this diagnoses, it is a smelly albatross.)
7. Find out where the hell I want to go AFTER I potentially leave Alabama, the university as well as the state.
8. Get money to go to school- this is probably PRIORITY over even figuring out where I'm going, if I don't get money from somebody I might not go AT ALL.
9. Get over my emotional binging and purging.
10. Find Waldo. (I needed 1o things, right?)
III. "In the warm California Sun." - I would prefer to try a cooler clime, but have to find new soil, will travel.
Anyway, I was going to make direct invites for the Westward trip idea, and I still might. I assume I'll get to planning it in the upcoming summer break and leave shortly after or later- possibly in the fall/winter at the latest; whenever I am not tied down to some other obligations essentially.
While I wouldn't mind waiting until the old crew is almost entirely into the Bay Area...I wouldn't mind an excuse to head back up to Oregon again. To see Eugene's campus, to visit Portland. To hobnob with meth heads in Medford...Well, not the latter so much.
Essentially, I have a very select list of individuals I am considering...
Or if I could just do some sort of American Idol/Wonka's Golden Ticket routine, I would.
Unfortunately this shit ain't all expenses paid. I have AT BEST a place to stay.
I have AT BEST, money to take myself- because I need SOME funds to move, set up again, later anyway.
IV. Self-doubt is a hard habit to break.
Basically, I have about a year to learn to not be dependent on Dad at all anymore, so he can retire and I can leave the nest finally.
I haven't worked a steady job in more than a year though, I regret this fact, but have my own demons, drug interactions (hello...) and mistakes to blame.
I don't feel like repeating myself in that area. I want to trust me again, I want to trust my mind.
If I never get someone to trust me like I was once trusted again, or even worse I suppose- getting to where I trusted people and special persons the way I once trusted them (this should be easier), I AT LEAST want to get to a point with myself where I can not only trust my judgment, experience, and my intuition, but also my mind and emotions.
It wasn't fun going off the deep end, and the worst part about it was it was all too dream-like/nightmarish. Undoubtably a side-effect both of taking strattera and stopping it- mixed with some poor diet and sleep schedule decisions. (Seriously, candy bars and loading up on carbs contributed to a semi-lucid manic state.)
The brain and the mind is a complex frontier that I am convinced that we have yet to truly understand. Any scientist, psychologist, psychiatrist or philosopher you meet might have their way of rationalizing and dealing with the concept of the mind and the brain, but few people really have a bead on it.
I won't claim any superiority in worldviews or understanding on areas of this topic of which I am ignorant, but I would like to think that I have unique experience both with Hypoglycemia and Mania.
It is easy for me to say, as an anthropologist and an afflicted person, that ADHD is a cultural condition, and perhaps hypoglycemia as well. Hypoglycemia isn't necessarily a REAL answer or a REAL condition, it is certainly a condition however, it is- from my knowledge- best described as a list of potential symptoms covering a range of possibilities.
Simply defined, it is a difficulty originating in the blood that leads to problems concerning a balance of blood-sugar and the ingesting of sugar (especially REFINED sugars I believe) and it sufficient enough as a folk category that I won't debate the ill-effects involved.
Suffice to say, and I still talk about this- perhaps with a poignant frequency now...
I lost consciousness for brief periods while driving- perhaps I blacked out, perhaps I did exactly what I felt like- my mind would attempt to shut down and stay on at the same time.
The so called "Experts" couldn't tell me exactly what happened, and this is very simply understood. They did not experience it. I was hesitant to inform anyone whom was involved in my "care" of the full extent of what ran through my head as people, thoughts, and apparent "hallucinations" flooded my waking mind. (rather than my unconscious mind I suppose.)
This backlash, this boiling over or splashback effect- however you want to think about it...
Almost CERTAINLY had something to do with the withdrawal effects of Strattera...as I had suddenly altered my dossage and then it was stopped all together. I believe I accidentally took double my dose one day and may have otherwise upset my brain chemistry and homeostasis (and liver)
Well. I learned that I couldn't burn the candle at all ends potentially burnable.
Rather, I learned, the hard way, what my system CANNOT sustain. I crashed, I had a "nervous breakdown," I flipped my lid...one could say any number of things official or unofficially and I doubt any of it would more than approach the truth of the experience.
I have talked about it at length and have dwelled upon it too much here.
I refer now to a pressing emotional difficulty almost directly parallel to my pre-birthday wreck of last year.
V. Dying and Risk management.
I consistently am reminded of the idea that...I could have died 3 days before I turned 23. Perhaps not in the wreck I actually was in, and the details on this may be on this blog even, as I wasn't going as fast as I could have been and I certainly managed to snap to attention and reflex action quick enough to avoid a more direct collision. HOWEVER, I have NO idea how things COULD have gone differently. I am NOT sure what happened exactly, and there is no rationalization for the route I took to Huntsville, but it got me there, and I make it out in one piece.
My friend did not make it back for his birthday last year.
And this is again something I have addressed, but I feel this is a more wounding matter.
I am not so concerned about me dying. But I am very concerned about my death.
I accept death as an eventuality, but I will certainly go through stages of grief as people do- though perhaps not in the same manner as everyone.
Last year I lost two friends of similar demeanors and relationships to myself within a period of almost as many short months.
I do not care to repeat this experience. Two friends, children of well-to-do families who either doted on or humored their overly intelligent children.
I was probably closer to John, but I was more intimate with Amy, perhaps a few of people who read this would know.
I can safely say, despite however much I suffered on my own with both in my mind, I suffered most when John died, so I weight that death more heavily.
His death came first, his was most immediate, it was also the closest in comparison to my wreck...he was driving back to his home (well from Montgomery and his parents) to Tuscaloosa, and didn't make it. Easter Sunday, and he barely had lunch.
I don't know what he went through that day and the night before, and I'm sure any details were gone over by those who shared those hours with him. But, I know very well, too well, what happened after news reached us in Tuscaloosa.
I could see it on people's faces, and we confronted it head on. We did what we felt we have to do, and it was...in a word, "emotionally draining," to also cope with how his parents were coping with the loss of their only child.
I probably couldn't count people who I would consider my peers who have died in my lifetime.
I have lost every grandmother I ever knew and every grandfather I did as well. My mother has passed away, and my father and brother are steadily marching towards whatever twisted form Crohn's will eventually turn them into, warping or fusing their spines like my poor cousin who cannot turn her head around.
These are NOT happy thoughts.
And yet I have been, perceivably, happier.
I have been more, accepting. More, active.
I am more aware of my self and perhaps others, which may be good, it is certainly something to do, though being slightly...obsessive about the past is not something I plan on continuing day-to-day.
I care very much about other people's health, even tending to sacrifice my own, so I'll be working on that too. Risk management is more than just going with the flow, dealing with mistakes or even "preventive maintenance" or at least it isn't just about "pre-emptive attacks."
I've been argumentative lately, I'll probably try to listen more and just do what I can.
And I have much work to do, that I CAN do.
Sleeprest in included in that list of things. (And I'll be cutting up the credit card Dad gave me after I graduate quite possibly, though possibly sooner.)
VI. Post-Post Post...
Finalizing with Bjork Songs/Quotes/Lyrics/Commentary, as I've been listening to as much of my old music as I have been reading my old poetry- and don't worry it hasn't all been of MY creation, ha! I almost wish it were so or that some of the poetry weren't even mine.
Homogenic & Post, I guess...I can't find Debut- which might be convenient, these are basically a soundtrack for my outings in the Kia (apparently wearing it out in the process):
"i go through all this - before you wake up
so I can feel happier - to be safe up here with you" -I, like many people I think, interpret this as a hopefully romantic as well as a very bitter or even somewhat disillusioned romantic survivalist song. I don't think it is either overly positive or negative with its connotations, though destructive is certainly part of it. This line, is catchy, true, motivational, and quite close to what I'm coming to (re?)understand Love as being.
I am a Hunter, not a Predator...A Camera Slinger, a friendly, but not always kind, interpreter.
if travel is searching
and home what's been found
i'm not stopping
i'm going hunting
i'm the hunter
i'll bring back the goods
but i don't know when
i thought i could organise freedom
how Scandinavian of me
you sussed it out, didn't you?
you could smell it
so you left me on my own
to complete the mission
now i'm leaving it all behind
i'm going hunting
i'm the hunter
(you just didn't know me!)
Me, almost frozen as far as intimacy goes, 15 and onward:
his wicked sense of humour
suggests exciting sex
his fingers focus on her
touches, he's venus as a boy
he believes in beauty
he's venus as a boy
he's exploring
the taste of her
arousal
so accurate
he sets off
the beauty in her
he's venus as a boy
he believes in beauty
he's venus as a boy
I had to dig this up elsewhere, slightly to my disappointment:
You think you're denying me of something
Well I've got plenty
You're the one who's missing out
But you won't notice
'Til after five years
If you'll live that long
You'll wake up
All loveless
I dare you
To take me on
I dare you
To show me your palms
I'm so bored with cowards
That say they want
Then they can't handle
You can't handle love
You can't handle love
You just can't handle
I dare you
To take me on
I dare you
To show me your palms
What's so scary ?
Not a threat in sight
You just can't handle
You can't handle love
You can't handle love, baby
You can't handle love
It's obvious
You can't handle
I dare you
To take me on
I dare you
To show me your palms
I'm so bored of cowards
That say they want
Then they can't handle
You can't handle love, baby
You can't handle love,
It's obvious
You can't handle
I dare you, I dare you
I dare you, I dare you
That song brings up many issues, past relationships, emotional issues of such, and reiterates the sort of dated emotional referencing it does to me.
Songs, lyrics, and poems are nothing if not Interpretable, Passionate and Personal- and preferably understood on an individual level while being exactly those things. (essentially, you put it out there and people make it their Expressive tool for this or that memory/personplaceorthing)
And now for something more...optimistic? Experience driven? Hopeful? Wise? or just Wishful?
you'll be given love
you'll be taken care of
you'll be given love
you have to trust it
maybe not from the sources
you've poured yours into
maybe not from the directions
you are staring at
twist your head around
it's all around you
all is full of love
all around you
you just ain't receiving
all is full of love
your phone is off the hook
all is full of love
your doors are all shut
all is full of love
Essentially, this is a more concise and interpretable response to my previous post, which seemed to me to be overly bitchy and bitter.
(Not surprisingly, most of these lyrics came from Bjork's Greatest Hits album...probably why I didn't stop at "Possibly Maybe" & "5 years.")
PS: My Final Thought...
I can't turn back time anywhere but in my mind, and even then we are never who we were where we were, even just yesterday.
And I am considering posting the final version of a larger poetic work that I've been editing.
I think it has sensitive subject matter and is...broken up, but long.
I'll only post it here or elsewhere if I get a sufficiently positive response from people who've been reading it.
I unite old with new rather well. I'm proud of it even if it has some shameful commentary in it. Bitterness is not something I carry around all the time, but it shows in some of my poetry. However, I try to keep an accepting voice in my work- and it shows through to me at least.
Friday, March 16, 2007
"Gimme some sugar, Baby."
While I've been away on Spring Break, and doing other things away from or in Tuscaloosa in the past month or so, I have realized some things...
Well, mostly I guess things have just been brought closer and closer to my attention.
1. I prefer actual sugar, in its least refined forms. No High Fructose Syrups, but Fruit is fine, thanks. (Apporango sauce is bad ass, believe it or not Apples, Oranges, Bananas (YES!) and Mango Pulp can coexist in a homemade style apple sauce consistency!)
2. I am going to LOATHE leaving Tuscaloosa at the same time I am going to LOVE getting the hell up and out of that town. Too many memories, right? Things to do that you are comfortable with, places to go, people to see. It all sucks and rules simultaneously. BUT more to the point...
3. I am going to HATE living in Huntsville again. I can just feel myself getting sicker, lonelier, more...bitter and nostalgic. I've already started to run into people I knew from when I was in High School- and I AM NOT talking about people I was friendly with in High School I'm friending on Facebook...I'm talking about girls I took to Homecoming and one of their DADS walking around in Walmart with his younger girlfriend and her/their? baby. I seriously had to follow them a little bit ala secret squirrel to make sure it wasn't Sheila's Dad AND Sheila with baby in tow.
4. Related to point 3...I realized at dinner with my sister and her boyfriend (who is younger than me...) that he knew about me before I knew about him in this town due to girls that I kept some company with...namely he used to sort of date a girl that helped tie me to a fence in a playground just so she could steal a kiss...etc. I realized, basically, that I've made some poor choices in the past concerning both who I decided to hang out with or pursue social engagements with, and how I treated/talked to/behaved around people I knew and who knew me.
5. The library rocks. Period. (but the Huntsville/Madison County Main Library, and possibly annexes there of, might do better with more computers. Pay attention wealthy Madison County people!
And
6. I AM rather lonely for female company. I don't even want to get laid so much as I just want to be around people, and particularly girls it is safe for me to have romantic interest in.
It is DAMN frustrating for a person of my morals and shyness to go around a town like Tuscaloosa, or even Huntsville, seeing attractive and interesting ladies and girls about.
It seems I run into all the typical problems-
#1., the girl is taken- boyfriend or otherwise involved in a manner that would be ill-conducive to my advances.
#2., often a problem that occurs in conjunction with a lesser degree version of #1, girl is a friend of mine that I don't hang out with so much or I don't have such a history with that I lack a romantic physical attraction towards them.
#3. The most typical voiced concerns: The girl is taken (I know I already mentioned that, but it is so major it should be included again), a lesbian, or crazy.
Now, I know some guys are turned on by "I don't think I'm attracted to guys," and I barely am- but it is safe to say that I have a history with, proclivity towards, and fair tolerance with bisexual, "queer," or not really up to voicing a preference type of females. Essentially, if they are willing to deal with ME, they meat my qualifications as to sexual-preference or any other relationship or type of association.
I can deal with crazy. But I would like to follow the rule I've heard stated elsewhere: "Don't climb into bed with anyone crazier than you are."
Sure, I've been pretty crazy, but even for losing my mind a couple of times, I keep a pretty even keel, just like my middle name might suggest.
#4. Younger girls.
 Older women. Seriously, age difference is more of a LEGAL and MORAL issue here in America than ever. But I'm not stupid- from a moral, legal, ethical or just plain COMMON SENSE and/or INTELLECTUAL approach to even consider dating a girl more than 5 years my junior at this point, but those 5 years make a HUGE difference going either way, so I strongly doubt it would be a good idea to even pursue a similarly mature female toward the extremes of a 10 year age-span in reference to me, if not for any other reason than LOGISTICS, never mind ignorance or experience even.
This sort of selection pool bias might help in the eventual selection/elimination/working within my limitations that I'll be bound to go through when I do get to a place where I'm ready to date or something like it.
Ahem...I've ranted a bit. Which proves my insecurity on the matter.
I belies my actual confidence. I'm willing to take the long haul for my career options and further education. I'm willing to do so as well with relationships- rekindle old ones, redefine recent ones and start new ones.
I pretty much have to. Gathering resources, building a war chest, compiling intel, and setting GOALS. I am in another stage of transition and I am tempted on all sides.
Speaking of Tempting, I want to throw a semi-party. A St. Patrick's Day open invite. Pregaming if you will...
From the moment I set foot in my apartment, I will be readying for the holiday us Somewhat Irish American's embrace...with a cultural celebration of foibles and humanity as well as getting pissed drunk.
I will be making Irish stew in my traditional fashion.
I will be playing my Irish Drinking Mix (2), incessantly.
I will be drinking to old friends, alive and dead, repeatedly.
I will have small quantities (so bring your own too) of Meade, Irish Whiskey, and Ale.
I will be hitting bars well enough after nightfall, specifically Egan's.
But I must feed people cabbage and good stew before a night of drinking.
So I extend open invitation to all who can stop by between the hours of noonish and midnight or after even on St. Patrick's day. (expect me to be out from 9 or 10:30 until Midnight though. 1 pr 2 am I will likely be making my way home due to Sunday Liquor Laws.)
(Oh, and I think everyone likes having attractive friends, and unattractive ones ALSO make them look better, but I strongly doubt people go around pursuing unattractive or uninteresting people the way people are more inclined to pursue interesting and attractive people to be around)
But yeah, I pretty much figure it is more about my personal confidence and a lack of security that is my problem with pursuing romantic relationships these days.
Well, mostly I guess things have just been brought closer and closer to my attention.
1. I prefer actual sugar, in its least refined forms. No High Fructose Syrups, but Fruit is fine, thanks. (Apporango sauce is bad ass, believe it or not Apples, Oranges, Bananas (YES!) and Mango Pulp can coexist in a homemade style apple sauce consistency!)
2. I am going to LOATHE leaving Tuscaloosa at the same time I am going to LOVE getting the hell up and out of that town. Too many memories, right? Things to do that you are comfortable with, places to go, people to see. It all sucks and rules simultaneously. BUT more to the point...
3. I am going to HATE living in Huntsville again. I can just feel myself getting sicker, lonelier, more...bitter and nostalgic. I've already started to run into people I knew from when I was in High School- and I AM NOT talking about people I was friendly with in High School I'm friending on Facebook...I'm talking about girls I took to Homecoming and one of their DADS walking around in Walmart with his younger girlfriend and her/their? baby. I seriously had to follow them a little bit ala secret squirrel to make sure it wasn't Sheila's Dad AND Sheila with baby in tow.
4. Related to point 3...I realized at dinner with my sister and her boyfriend (who is younger than me...) that he knew about me before I knew about him in this town due to girls that I kept some company with...namely he used to sort of date a girl that helped tie me to a fence in a playground just so she could steal a kiss...etc. I realized, basically, that I've made some poor choices in the past concerning both who I decided to hang out with or pursue social engagements with, and how I treated/talked to/behaved around people I knew and who knew me.
5. The library rocks. Period. (but the Huntsville/Madison County Main Library, and possibly annexes there of, might do better with more computers. Pay attention wealthy Madison County people!
And
6. I AM rather lonely for female company. I don't even want to get laid so much as I just want to be around people, and particularly girls it is safe for me to have romantic interest in.
It is DAMN frustrating for a person of my morals and shyness to go around a town like Tuscaloosa, or even Huntsville, seeing attractive and interesting ladies and girls about.
It seems I run into all the typical problems-
#1., the girl is taken- boyfriend or otherwise involved in a manner that would be ill-conducive to my advances.
#2., often a problem that occurs in conjunction with a lesser degree version of #1, girl is a friend of mine that I don't hang out with so much or I don't have such a history with that I lack a romantic physical attraction towards them.
#3. The most typical voiced concerns: The girl is taken (I know I already mentioned that, but it is so major it should be included again), a lesbian, or crazy.
Now, I know some guys are turned on by "I don't think I'm attracted to guys," and I barely am- but it is safe to say that I have a history with, proclivity towards, and fair tolerance with bisexual, "queer," or not really up to voicing a preference type of females. Essentially, if they are willing to deal with ME, they meat my qualifications as to sexual-preference or any other relationship or type of association.
I can deal with crazy. But I would like to follow the rule I've heard stated elsewhere: "Don't climb into bed with anyone crazier than you are."
Sure, I've been pretty crazy, but even for losing my mind a couple of times, I keep a pretty even keel, just like my middle name might suggest.
#4. Younger girls.
 Older women. Seriously, age difference is more of a LEGAL and MORAL issue here in America than ever. But I'm not stupid- from a moral, legal, ethical or just plain COMMON SENSE and/or INTELLECTUAL approach to even consider dating a girl more than 5 years my junior at this point, but those 5 years make a HUGE difference going either way, so I strongly doubt it would be a good idea to even pursue a similarly mature female toward the extremes of a 10 year age-span in reference to me, if not for any other reason than LOGISTICS, never mind ignorance or experience even.
This sort of selection pool bias might help in the eventual selection/elimination/working within my limitations that I'll be bound to go through when I do get to a place where I'm ready to date or something like it.
Ahem...I've ranted a bit. Which proves my insecurity on the matter.
I belies my actual confidence. I'm willing to take the long haul for my career options and further education. I'm willing to do so as well with relationships- rekindle old ones, redefine recent ones and start new ones.
I pretty much have to. Gathering resources, building a war chest, compiling intel, and setting GOALS. I am in another stage of transition and I am tempted on all sides.
Speaking of Tempting, I want to throw a semi-party. A St. Patrick's Day open invite. Pregaming if you will...
From the moment I set foot in my apartment, I will be readying for the holiday us Somewhat Irish American's embrace...with a cultural celebration of foibles and humanity as well as getting pissed drunk.
I will be making Irish stew in my traditional fashion.
I will be playing my Irish Drinking Mix (2), incessantly.
I will be drinking to old friends, alive and dead, repeatedly.
I will have small quantities (so bring your own too) of Meade, Irish Whiskey, and Ale.
I will be hitting bars well enough after nightfall, specifically Egan's.
But I must feed people cabbage and good stew before a night of drinking.
So I extend open invitation to all who can stop by between the hours of noonish and midnight or after even on St. Patrick's day. (expect me to be out from 9 or 10:30 until Midnight though. 1 pr 2 am I will likely be making my way home due to Sunday Liquor Laws.)
(Oh, and I think everyone likes having attractive friends, and unattractive ones ALSO make them look better, but I strongly doubt people go around pursuing unattractive or uninteresting people the way people are more inclined to pursue interesting and attractive people to be around)
But yeah, I pretty much figure it is more about my personal confidence and a lack of security that is my problem with pursuing romantic relationships these days.
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I wrote the above for a "note" on Facebook, and increasingly, as the note dragged on, for "friends" that I've connected with on Facebook- ones that I'd known the longest or the best, absent and not so absent...
I wrote it in an almost pathetic state of contemplation, melancholy, moralistic consideration and most importantly a fit of intro/extro+spection/version.
Tonight's activities did probably contribute to this outpouring.