A Last Ditch Effort...and things to come.

I.

I don't assume anyone reads this blog with any frequency.
I actually almost abandoned this thing...thrice.

So, I won't be surprised if potentially interested parties don't get the chance/time to read the following. (Which is why I plan to correct that inefficiency.)


I am desperate.
I MUST graduate.
I will do so.
I just need, Zen.

Which is to say, Zen.

(okay maybe I take my interpretation of the concept to minimalistic and overly anglicized conceptual frameworks of an almost non-belief belief system- or have in the past.)

But yes,
"There is no Try, only do."

Might as well quote Yoda...

II. Listing

I have many things on my plate now, so I'm noting things down now that I'll have to address in the near/more distant future- for my interests and the readers.

1. Start an indie/punk/pop/outsider art band...If I had a name now, James would be able to guess it, otherwise, I'd go with an old standby or some amalgamation of the yet unknown.
(hey, success comes from setting and achieving goals, right? You have to set them to achieve them).

2. Get out to the coast to see people there, my friends in/headed to the Bay Area most at all. I'm very open to the idea of inviting someone to go with me to possibly reduce traveling expenses more than even just lodging and food, but the longer the trip the more I'll want to have someone to listen and talk to.

3. Clear up any and all business in Tuscaloosa.
4. Move back to Huntsville/Consider other options
5. Find gainful Employ...again.

6. Figure out a discipline/diet/willed solution to current imbalances in the attentive area. (Curse this diagnoses, it is a smelly albatross.)

7. Find out where the hell I want to go AFTER I potentially leave Alabama, the university as well as the state.
8. Get money to go to school- this is probably PRIORITY over even figuring out where I'm going, if I don't get money from somebody I might not go AT ALL.
9. Get over my emotional binging and purging.

10. Find Waldo. (I needed 1o things, right?)


III. "In the warm California Sun." - I would prefer to try a cooler clime, but have to find new soil, will travel.

Anyway, I was going to make direct invites for the Westward trip idea, and I still might. I assume I'll get to planning it in the upcoming summer break and leave shortly after or later- possibly in the fall/winter at the latest; whenever I am not tied down to some other obligations essentially.
While I wouldn't mind waiting until the old crew is almost entirely into the Bay Area...I wouldn't mind an excuse to head back up to Oregon again. To see Eugene's campus, to visit Portland. To hobnob with meth heads in Medford...Well, not the latter so much.

Essentially, I have a very select list of individuals I am considering...
Or if I could just do some sort of American Idol/Wonka's Golden Ticket routine, I would.
Unfortunately this shit ain't all expenses paid. I have AT BEST a place to stay.
I have AT BEST, money to take myself- because I need SOME funds to move, set up again, later anyway.


IV. Self-doubt is a hard habit to break.

Basically, I have about a year to learn to not be dependent on Dad at all anymore, so he can retire and I can leave the nest finally.

I haven't worked a steady job in more than a year though, I regret this fact, but have my own demons, drug interactions (hello...) and mistakes to blame.

I don't feel like repeating myself in that area. I want to trust me again, I want to trust my mind.

If I never get someone to trust me like I was once trusted again, or even worse I suppose- getting to where I trusted people and special persons the way I once trusted them (this should be easier), I AT LEAST want to get to a point with myself where I can not only trust my judgment, experience, and my intuition, but also my mind and emotions.

It wasn't fun going off the deep end, and the worst part about it was it was all too dream-like/nightmarish. Undoubtably a side-effect both of taking strattera and stopping it- mixed with some poor diet and sleep schedule decisions. (Seriously, candy bars and loading up on carbs contributed to a semi-lucid manic state.)

The brain and the mind is a complex frontier that I am convinced that we have yet to truly understand. Any scientist, psychologist, psychiatrist or philosopher you meet might have their way of rationalizing and dealing with the concept of the mind and the brain, but few people really have a bead on it.

I won't claim any superiority in worldviews or understanding on areas of this topic of which I am ignorant, but I would like to think that I have unique experience both with Hypoglycemia and Mania.

It is easy for me to say, as an anthropologist and an afflicted person, that ADHD is a cultural condition, and perhaps hypoglycemia as well. Hypoglycemia isn't necessarily a REAL answer or a REAL condition, it is certainly a condition however, it is- from my knowledge- best described as a list of potential symptoms covering a range of possibilities.

Simply defined, it is a difficulty originating in the blood that leads to problems concerning a balance of blood-sugar and the ingesting of sugar (especially REFINED sugars I believe) and it sufficient enough as a folk category that I won't debate the ill-effects involved.

Suffice to say, and I still talk about this- perhaps with a poignant frequency now...
I lost consciousness for brief periods while driving- perhaps I blacked out, perhaps I did exactly what I felt like- my mind would attempt to shut down and stay on at the same time.

The so called "Experts" couldn't tell me exactly what happened, and this is very simply understood. They did not experience it. I was hesitant to inform anyone whom was involved in my "care" of the full extent of what ran through my head as people, thoughts, and apparent "hallucinations" flooded my waking mind. (rather than my unconscious mind I suppose.)

This backlash, this boiling over or splashback effect- however you want to think about it...
Almost CERTAINLY had something to do with the withdrawal effects of Strattera...as I had suddenly altered my dossage and then it was stopped all together. I believe I accidentally took double my dose one day and may have otherwise upset my brain chemistry and homeostasis (and liver)


Well. I learned that I couldn't burn the candle at all ends potentially burnable.

Rather, I learned, the hard way, what my system CANNOT sustain. I crashed, I had a "nervous breakdown," I flipped my lid...one could say any number of things official or unofficially and I doubt any of it would more than approach the truth of the experience.

I have talked about it at length and have dwelled upon it too much here.
I refer now to a pressing emotional difficulty almost directly parallel to my pre-birthday wreck of last year.


V. Dying and Risk management.

I consistently am reminded of the idea that...I could have died 3 days before I turned 23. Perhaps not in the wreck I actually was in, and the details on this may be on this blog even, as I wasn't going as fast as I could have been and I certainly managed to snap to attention and reflex action quick enough to avoid a more direct collision. HOWEVER, I have NO idea how things COULD have gone differently. I am NOT sure what happened exactly, and there is no rationalization for the route I took to Huntsville, but it got me there, and I make it out in one piece.

My friend did not make it back for his birthday last year.

And this is again something I have addressed, but I feel this is a more wounding matter.
I am not so concerned about me dying. But I am very concerned about my death.

I accept death as an eventuality, but I will certainly go through stages of grief as people do- though perhaps not in the same manner as everyone.

Last year I lost two friends of similar demeanors and relationships to myself within a period of almost as many short months.

I do not care to repeat this experience. Two friends, children of well-to-do families who either doted on or humored their overly intelligent children.

I was probably closer to John, but I was more intimate with Amy, perhaps a few of people who read this would know.

I can safely say, despite however much I suffered on my own with both in my mind, I suffered most when John died, so I weight that death more heavily.

His death came first, his was most immediate, it was also the closest in comparison to my wreck...he was driving back to his home (well from Montgomery and his parents) to Tuscaloosa, and didn't make it. Easter Sunday, and he barely had lunch.

I don't know what he went through that day and the night before, and I'm sure any details were gone over by those who shared those hours with him. But, I know very well, too well, what happened after news reached us in Tuscaloosa.

I could see it on people's faces, and we confronted it head on. We did what we felt we have to do, and it was...in a word, "emotionally draining," to also cope with how his parents were coping with the loss of their only child.

I probably couldn't count people who I would consider my peers who have died in my lifetime.
I have lost every grandmother I ever knew and every grandfather I did as well. My mother has passed away, and my father and brother are steadily marching towards whatever twisted form Crohn's will eventually turn them into, warping or fusing their spines like my poor cousin who cannot turn her head around.

These are NOT happy thoughts.
And yet I have been, perceivably, happier.
I have been more, accepting. More, active.

I am more aware of my self and perhaps others, which may be good, it is certainly something to do, though being slightly...obsessive about the past is not something I plan on continuing day-to-day.

I care very much about other people's health, even tending to sacrifice my own, so I'll be working on that too. Risk management is more than just going with the flow, dealing with mistakes or even "preventive maintenance" or at least it isn't just about "pre-emptive attacks."

I've been argumentative lately, I'll probably try to listen more and just do what I can.

And I have much work to do, that I CAN do.
Sleeprest in included in that list of things. (And I'll be cutting up the credit card Dad gave me after I graduate quite possibly, though possibly sooner.)

VI. Post-Post Post...

Finalizing with Bjork Songs/Quotes/Lyrics/Commentary, as I've been listening to as much of my old music as I have been reading my old poetry- and don't worry it hasn't all been of MY creation, ha! I almost wish it were so or that some of the poetry weren't even mine.

Homogenic & Post, I guess...I can't find Debut- which might be convenient, these are basically a soundtrack for my outings in the Kia (apparently wearing it out in the process):

"i go through all this - before you wake up
so I can feel happier - to be safe up here with you" -I, like many people I think, interpret this as a hopefully romantic as well as a very bitter or even somewhat disillusioned romantic survivalist song. I don't think it is either overly positive or negative with its connotations, though destructive is certainly part of it. This line, is catchy, true, motivational, and quite close to what I'm coming to (re?)understand Love as being.

I am a Hunter, not a Predator...A Camera Slinger, a friendly, but not always kind, interpreter.

if travel is searching
and home what's been found
i'm not stopping

i'm going hunting
i'm the hunter
i'll bring back the goods
but i don't know when

i thought i could organise freedom
how Scandinavian of me
you sussed it out, didn't you?

you could smell it
so you left me on my own
to complete the mission
now i'm leaving it all behind

i'm going hunting
i'm the hunter

(you just didn't know me!)

Me, almost frozen as far as intimacy goes, 15 and onward:

his wicked sense of humour
suggests exciting sex
his fingers focus on her
touches, he's venus as a boy

he believes in beauty
he's venus as a boy

he's exploring
the taste of her
arousal
so accurate
he sets off
the beauty in her
he's venus as a boy

he believes in beauty
he's venus as a boy

I had to dig this up elsewhere, slightly to my disappointment:

You think you're denying me of something
Well I've got plenty
You're the one who's missing out
But you won't notice
'Til after five years
If you'll live that long
You'll wake up
All loveless

I dare you
To take me on
I dare you
To show me your palms

I'm so bored with cowards
That say they want
Then they can't handle

You can't handle love
You can't handle love
You just can't handle

I dare you
To take me on
I dare you
To show me your palms

What's so scary ?
Not a threat in sight
You just can't handle
You can't handle love

You can't handle love, baby
You can't handle love
It's obvious
You can't handle

I dare you
To take me on
I dare you
To show me your palms

I'm so bored of cowards
That say they want
Then they can't handle

You can't handle love, baby
You can't handle love,
It's obvious
You can't handle

I dare you, I dare you
I dare you, I dare you

That song brings up many issues, past relationships, emotional issues of such, and reiterates the sort of dated emotional referencing it does to me.
Songs, lyrics, and poems are nothing if not Interpretable, Passionate and Personal- and preferably understood on an individual level while being exactly those things. (essentially, you put it out there and people make it their Expressive tool for this or that memory/personplaceorthing)

And now for something more...optimistic? Experience driven? Hopeful? Wise? or just Wishful?

you'll be given love
you'll be taken care of
you'll be given love
you have to trust it

maybe not from the sources
you've poured yours into
maybe not from the directions
you are staring at

twist your head around
it's all around you
all is full of love
all around you

you just ain't receiving
all is full of love
your phone is off the hook
all is full of love
your doors are all shut
all is full of love

Essentially, this is a more concise and interpretable response to my previous post, which seemed to me to be overly bitchy and bitter.

(Not surprisingly, most of these lyrics came from Bjork's Greatest Hits album...probably why I didn't stop at "Possibly Maybe" & "5 years.")

PS: My Final Thought...

I can't turn back time anywhere but in my mind, and even then we are never who we were where we were, even just yesterday.

And I am considering posting the final version of a larger poetic work that I've been editing.
I think it has sensitive subject matter and is...broken up, but long.
I'll only post it here or elsewhere if I get a sufficiently positive response from people who've been reading it.

I unite old with new rather well. I'm proud of it even if it has some shameful commentary in it. Bitterness is not something I carry around all the time, but it shows in some of my poetry. However, I try to keep an accepting voice in my work- and it shows through to me at least.